learning to trust all over again

Reading Proverbs for quiet times lately has been so challenging.  There are layers of my soul that are still untouched and I feel God beginning to slowly peel them off.  There are a few themes in Proverbs that are repeated over and over and one that has been convicting me a lot is the one about money and material comforts.

"Whoever trusts in his riches will fall; but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf." -Proverbs 11:28

I've been realizing how much i put my security in what I have.  A lot of my heart and head know that security can only be found in God, but more than I'd like to admit still wants the back-up plan and temporary satisfaction of materially having what I want or what the kids want.  God has been showing me that this false sense of security is keeping me from really experiencing and enjoying Him.  I really don't want a life revolved around myself or my kids, but the current is so strong, I am often swept up into it.

Trusting in material things, putting security in what I have (or don't have for that matter) drags me down, leading to spiritual apathy and numbness, like a withered leaf.  Trusting in God, in the things that are invisible (enjoying His presence, living by faith, prayer, falling in love with His Word, loving others) are the things that will enliven, bring joy, causing the leaf to thrive.   I have missionary friends and those around me walking this path, and see so much spiritual freedom.  They might not have much materially, but what what they have spiritually is overflowing.  I see their spiritual freedom and ability to trust God and love others in a way that only one walking closely with God can.  Everything in life--including the areas of discomfort and pain--is spiritual and becomes an opening for Him to speak.

I can have this kind of life too; I just must choose it and fight for it every day.

how long Lord?

I was just reading up on the word patience today.  In Greek, the word for patience is makrothumia or, literally, "long suffering."  I would like to think of myself as a patient, laid back person, but lately I've been realizing how impatient and hurried I am.  I struggle back and forth with myself probably on a daily basis with thoughts like, "how long will it take me to get over this? or, I can't wait for this to be over! or, just tell me what to do and I will do/fix it!"   King David in his suffering often starts out a Psalm with "how long, Lord?" but always ends with, "...but I will place my trust in you."  For me, I ask the question with a different motive: more out of a desire to control and my lack of faith.

I think it's innate in our culture and especially in me to try my hardest to reduce suffering and discomfort.  I used to interpret when people would call me a "peace maker" as a compliment. Now, knowing my own heart a little better,  I see it more as someone who is afraid.  I feel so far from being able to accept suffering (or even inconvenience for that matter) as good and accept that it might be long or even unending.  A blog writer wrote: "patience may even involve suffering something in my life that may never change."

So in order to continue down this narrow road--and I am committed to going down it--I must look to the One who has given me the perfect model in Jesus who endured and embraced suffering, waiting on the Father and daily trusting in His will.  In my marriage, with the kids, friendships and myself, the only way for me to become a patient person is to keep confessing my weakness and struggle and pursuing hard after God.

I was encouraged by this verse.  In Colossians Apostle Paul prayed that the believers would be "strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience,  joyfully giving thanks to the Father..." (Col 1:11)

silence. solitude

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things on earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His Glory and Grace.

Looking forward to an extended time with God this weekend.